It’s when I’m alone that I realize just how dependent I am on other people to keep me happy.
Jeffrey is away for a week for the National Guard. And here I am, getting addicted to Orange Is The New Black, organizing/unpacking things here and there, just trying to pass the time as much as I can.
The weekend is the hardest. Next week will hopefully fly by.
School starts next week, and I’ll be working at the school, as well. I’m hoping for a speedy week where I’m constantly on the go.
All I can think about is picking up Jeffrey on Friday. I can see him walking up to my car, in uniform. He always looks so strong, so confident, stoic even, and so distant when he’s in uniform. I can smell him, his sweat from the day. And then I can feel him. I can feel his hand touch mine, and how it makes me feel so alive, so safe, again.
I can feel him once we get home, once we’re closer. And then, there is no distance between us. And that’s all I want.
I’m not sure he’ll ever know how much I love him. Even when I’m angry, I have to fight this internal battle between the side of me that is angry and the side of me that loves him and wants only him, without anger or hurt feelings or frustration. I’ve never felt so torn. I’ve never felt such a feeling of passion in me like that which is for him.
It’s nice just to sit here and analyze my thoughts. It’s nice to share these thoughts with the world, even if no on reads them. I feel like being open, and being free. I feel like being loved and loving back.